dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize