Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
