Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
