ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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