M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
