im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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