So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
