I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
