The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
