Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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