wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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