Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
