made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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