My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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