She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
