he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
