i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of a bidet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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