my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
