When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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