Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
