I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
