I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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