I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
this just has baby written all over it
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just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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