I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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