My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i believe in u and ur pee
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
