you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
