Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
