I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
