If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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