i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
