Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.