So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella