The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS