I want to have your abortion
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
