I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
