I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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