Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
