explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
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I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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