4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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