All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You have to summon your inner elephant
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
