Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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