my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
