I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
