I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
