The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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