I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
