hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
