I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it's like heaven, but drunker
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
