I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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