he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
