You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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