last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
