Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.