I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.