I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...