After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.