so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
