i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
