The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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