My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
BRING THE BAGELS
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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