I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
