I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
being pregnant is like rehab
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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