you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
